It’s in the stars: Credit Simple’s financial horoscopes (November)
Like fellow Aries Donald Trump, former Reserve Bank Governor Don Brash and Ron Howard from television’s Happy Days, you face a month of change and challenge. The main challenge? Finding enough change to make it through the day. Top tip: look behind the sofa cushions. Just ignore the old Doritos.
Smashed avocado looms green and delicious in your short term future, Taurus. Tasty breakfast treat rich in good oils, or potent metaphor for Gen Y’s inability to prioritise future savings goals over short term nom noms? Who knows – just get me some while you’re up, either way.
As a Gemini, you’re all about the 50/50 split, so be sure to apply this to your financial life this month too. That restaurant bill? Halvesies! That Uber ride home? Surely the driver can chip in too… after all, he got to ride just as far in that nice comfy car as you did. (Pro tip: threaten him with a one star rating.)
Gardening is New Zealand’s number one physical occupation, Cancer, which probably explains our relatively low birth rate. There’s no fighting it, though, so embrace the trend this month and wrap your horny little pincers around half a dozen tomato plants this weekend and they’ll be fruiting (or is it vegetabling?) by Christmas, saving you up to three dollars for two months of dirty-fingered labour.
Variety is the spice of life, Leo, but if you can’t lay your hands on that then can we recommend mono sodium glutamate? MSG (or “gourmet powder” as it’s also sometimes called) is a surprisingly affordable way to make cheap food taste fancy, is available in most Asian supermarkets and has hardly ever been shown to cause crazy side effects in rats. And hey, you’re a lion!
Unlike you, squeaky clean Virgo, people are dirty filthy creatures, teeming with all manner of germs and unmentionable biohazards. So your best bet this month is to avoid touching them, or indeed anything one has touched. How? Contactless payments! Set aside your unfounded security concerns, seek out that Paywave logo and tap your way to germ-free commerce.
A penny saved is a penny earned, my mum always said. Mind you, when she said that you could get 10 wine gums for a penny and you probably nicked the penny from your neighbour’s milk money. Too young to understand any of that? Follow us on Snapchat and we’ll explain it all in dog emojis.
Travel is likely for you this month, Scorpio, but sadly a less than dominant Neptune coupled with a jump in the cost of petrol means that travel will mostly be via public transport. Be prepared! Practice your man-and-or-lady-spreading at home on the couch so you’ll be ready to own that bus seat when the time comes.
Life is a rollercoaster for you this month, Sagittarius. What does that even mean? Well for starters, remove all loose objects from your pockets before boarding, keep your hands inside the cabin at all times and if someone is sick on you from behind, just be thankful you weren’t looking over your shoulder at the time.
Are those Christmas bells I can hear tinkling, Capricorn? Or have you left the fridge door open again? Time to suck it up and gird your loins once again for the pain and disappointment of those awful “combination” Christmas and birthday presents you’re been putting up with since you were wee.
Summer’s coming, Aquarius, and if you’re smart you’ll be thinking slip, slop slap. But who needs to drop big bucks on pricey SPF30 sunscreen? Not you! Save money and avoid sunburn by making your own from time-expired yoghurt, ordinary blackboard chalk (grind it up first!), cornflour and salt to taste. (Note: for this to work, you’ll also need to stay out of the sun.)
“Hey now, hey now, don’t dream it’s over,” sang Kiwi crooner Neil Finn at the end of his band Crowded House’s ninth final-ever reunion concert. What does this mean to you, Pisces? Take the time now to check that you have sound retirement plans in place that allow for a reasonable standard of living between age 65 and when you hear the gentle tap of death’s boney hand on your bedroom door. Alternatively, spend everything you have right now on fast cars and cheap wine. The stars are unclear on this point.
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